Returning to letting go

Today was the first time since September 28, 2003 that I’ve attended a Sunday morning Eucharist in an Episcopal church. It is only the third time I’ve received the Eucharist in an Episcopal church during my sabbatical, the previous times having been at funerals this year. It’s about the fourth time I’ve attended church on a Sunday morning, the other times being a visitor at my friend Dash’s Lutheran church about 600 miles from here. The Gospel for today [Matt. 9:35–10:8; Jesus sends out the disciples to proclaim the Gospel] is one that has been in the back of my mind for several years now; first, when considering leaving my former parish, and then throughout the extended leaving process. The last verse included by the lectionary compares the fate of unreceptive houses and towns with that of Sodom and Gomorrah. So the preceding verse, which instructs the disciples to shake the town’s dust off their sandals, has always seemed an inextricable part of a curse—“I shake your dust off my sandals, you—you—you bad, bad people!” (with emphatic fist-shaking, if the dust is all off). Maybe a year ago or more, a different possibility was posed for me (I wish I could remember by whom). Shaking the dust off one’s sandals makes a lot of sense from a psychological standpoint: if one concludes that one’s actions are of no use, it’s best to let go of the situation. Even the dust is excess baggage. Move on. With that in mind, I’d resolved to not harbor bitterness over my former parish. In a situation where I’d actually had the chance to make a difference but failed, I did at least come to an understanding of the problem. That helped an awful lot in letting go—I’m not sure where I’d be now without that understanding. The church I attended this morning is one where a friend of mine (a fellow refugee from my old parish) has “landed.” I will probably also begin to check out a couple of others in which I’ve been interested. As I’m still pondering some theological concerns (about which I haven’t even begun to blog), it’s impossible to know where I’ll end up. It would be nice if I’d shaken all the dust off, but I guess I haven’t finished, as I’m still somewhat numb.